Self-compassion goes with kinder, more positive behaviour toward a partner in studies of couples, but the research reviewed here does not show that it helps you accept a partner’s flaws. In a study of 104 couples, self-compassionate people showed more positive relationship behaviour than those who lacked self-compassion, according to their partners, and self-compassion predicted that behaviour better than self-esteem or attachment style. [neff-beretvas-2013] This guide covers what self-compassion means in the research, what the two main studies found, what they did not test, and how to practise it. Our overview of relationships covers the wider field.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is being kind to yourself when you face personal inadequacies or difficulties. In the research it has three parts: kindness toward yourself, seeing the imperfection of life as part of common humanity, and being mindful of negative emotions so that you neither suppress them nor dwell on them. [neff-beretvas-2013] Our guide to self-compassion covers the idea, how it differs from self-esteem and how to practise it.
Does self-compassion change how you treat a partner?
It goes with more positive behaviour, according to partner reports, though the study cannot show cause. Neff and Beretvas asked whether being self-compassionate is linked to healthier romantic relationship behaviour, such as being more caring and supportive and less controlling or verbally aggressive. In 104 couples, self-reported self-compassion was associated with partner reports of relationship behaviour, and self-compassionate individuals displayed more positive behaviour than those who lacked it. [neff-beretvas-2013]
Self-compassion was also a stronger predictor of positive relationship behaviour than trait self-esteem or attachment style. And partners were able to report accurately on each other’s self-compassion, which the authors take to suggest that it is an observable trait. [neff-beretvas-2013] If a fear of losing your partner drives your arguments, our guide to anxious attachment style covers that pattern.
Does self-compassion help in arguments?
It went with more compromise and less self-sacrifice in one study of recalled conflicts. Yarnell and Neff asked 506 college undergraduates to describe a time their needs conflicted with those of their mother, father, best friend and romantic partner, and how they resolved it: by subordinating their needs, putting themselves first, or compromising. [yarnell-neff-2013]
Across those relationships, higher self-compassion was related to a greater likelihood of compromising and a lesser likelihood of subordinating their own needs. It was also related to greater authenticity, lower emotional turmoil and higher relational well-being. With fathers and romantic partners, the link between self-compassion and well-being was mediated by compromise decisions, so compromise was one route through which it showed up. [yarnell-neff-2013]
Does self-compassion help you accept a partner’s flaws?
The studies reviewed here do not say. Neither abstract reports acceptance of a partner’s flaws as an outcome: one measured relationship behaviour as partners reported it, and the other measured how people resolved conflicts of needs, plus authenticity, turmoil and well-being. [neff-beretvas-2013] [yarnell-neff-2013]
So the popular version of the claim, that being kinder to yourself makes you more accepting of a partner, goes further than this evidence. What the evidence supports is narrower and still useful: kinder treatment of yourself goes with more positive behaviour toward a partner and more compromise in conflicts.
| Question | What the studies show |
|---|---|
| Do self-compassionate people behave more positively with partners? | Yes, in partner reports from 104 couples, as an association |
| Is self-compassion a better predictor than self-esteem? | In that study, yes |
| Do self-compassionate people compromise more in conflicts? | Yes, in recalled conflicts among 506 students |
| Does self-compassion help you accept a partner’s flaws? | Not reported in the abstracts reviewed here |
| Does self-compassion cause better relationships? | These designs cannot show that |
What are the limits of the research?
Both studies are correlational, so they cannot show that self-compassion causes better relationship behaviour. People who treat partners well may also treat themselves well for other reasons, and the designs cannot separate the two. The second study relied on college students recalling one conflict each, and the first paired self-reports with partner reports from 104 couples. [neff-beretvas-2013] [yarnell-neff-2013]
Treat the findings as a pointer and not a promise. They suggest that how you treat yourself after a mistake is worth noticing, and they do not show that practising self-compassion will change a particular relationship.
How do you practise self-compassion in a relationship?
Pause after a row or a mistake and answer yourself in three steps, one for each part of the definition. These steps are our adaptation of that definition and not a programme tested in these studies.
A three-minute self-compassion pause
Think of a moment from the last day or two when you let your partner down or lost your temper. Take one minute for each step. First, notice what you feel and name it, without pushing it away or replaying it. Second, remind yourself that getting this wrong sometimes is part of being human. Third, say something kind to yourself that you would say to a close friend in the same position.
3:00
The aim is not to excuse what happened. If it calls for an apology, you can make one after the timer ends.
Done. Notice whether it is easier to think about what to do next.
Then choose the repair. Apologise if you owe one, and look for a compromise and not for giving in or insisting, since compromise is the pattern that went with higher self-compassion in the second study. [yarnell-neff-2013]
How do you talk to yourself after a row?
Tick anything that is true for you most of the time. This is a prompt for reflection, not a test, and it produces no diagnosis.
0 of 5 ticked
Most of these are habits already. Notice the moments when they slip, such as when you are tired or the argument felt unfair.
A few of these are habits. Pick one that is missing and try it after the next disagreement.
Few of these are habits yet, which is common. Start with the three-minute pause above.
No screener on this site measures self-compassion. The self-assessment hub lists the seven we do have.
When to seek help
Speak to a therapist or couples counsellor if arguments keep repeating, if you or your partner regularly belittle each other, or if self-criticism is heavy enough to affect your days. Our guide to emotional intimacy covers how sharing feelings builds closeness.
If a relationship involves fear, control or violence, self-compassion exercises are not the answer. Our guide to coercive control covers the signs, and local emergency services or a domestic abuse support service can help. If you feel unable to keep yourself safe, contact your local emergency services or a crisis helpline.
How MyFreud can help
Self-compassion is easier to practise after the row than during it, and easy to forget. Daily mood tracking in MyFreud shows how your days go after arguments across weeks, and the notepad is somewhere to write the kind thing you would say to a friend. It does not replace a counsellor or the people in your life.
Download MyFreud and start today: App Store or Google Play.