People consistently underestimate how often others will agree to a direct request for help, and the research suggests that is because they do not see the social pressure the other person feels. In a series of studies, people asked others to complete questionnaires, borrow a phone or walk them to the gym, and they underestimated how often others would say yes. [flynn-lake-2008-just-ask] This guide covers why asking feels hard, what the studies found, how to ask well, and what to do when the help you need is for your mental health. Our overview of loneliness covers the wider picture of connection.
Why does asking for help feel so hard?
Asking feels hard partly because the discomfort is real and invisible to everyone else. In research on help-seeking, people in a position to help tended to underestimate the role embarrassment plays in a decision to ask, and so they overestimated how likely people were to ask for help. [bohns-flynn-2010-why-didnt-you-ask]
That cuts both ways. From the inside, you feel the embarrassment strongly and assume it shows. From the outside, the person you would ask has little idea you are struggling to ask, which is one reason help often goes unrequested.
Do people really say yes more often than you think?
Yes, according to a series of studies. Participants asked others to complete a questionnaire, to borrow a mobile phone, or to escort them to the gym, and across the studies they underestimated how likely others were to comply with a direct request. [flynn-lake-2008-just-ask]
The researchers pointed to a specific explanation. People fail to see the feelings of social obligation that a direct request creates in the person who is asked, so they underestimate how likely a yes is. [flynn-lake-2008-just-ask] The results are about everyday requests to ordinary people, so they show a general bias and do not promise that a particular person will say yes.
Why do people agree to help?
Because saying no to someone’s face to a direct request is uncomfortable. The pressure to be helpful comes from not wanting to look unhelpful, to yourself or to others, and it is easy to overlook when you are the one asking. [flynn-lake-2008-just-ask]
This is worth keeping in mind in both directions. It means a yes is likely, and it also means a yes given under pressure is not the same as a free offer, so a request that leaves room to say no is kinder to the person you ask.
How do you ask for help well?
Pick someone you trust, ask directly, and say exactly what you need and when. In the studies on help-seeking, helpers misjudged the best way to encourage asking, and emphasising the practical benefits of asking worked better than trying to soothe the discomfort of asking. [bohns-flynn-2010-why-didnt-you-ask]
In practice that means a short, concrete request rather than a vague hint. “Could you look at my application tonight?” is easier to say yes to than “I could do with some help with stuff.” Our guide to making friends as an adult covers the same principle of making the first move.
Two minutes to write your ask
Think of one thing you have been putting off asking for. Write one sentence naming who you will ask, exactly what you need, and by when. Keep it short enough to send as a message.
2:00
Do not edit it to death. A clear, specific sentence is the goal. Then send it, or save it and pick a time today to say it.
Done. Send it while it still feels doable.
What if someone says no?
A no is information about their situation and not a verdict on you. The studies show that yes is more likely than people expect, which also means a no is the less common outcome, and it is reasonable to ask someone else.
If a no keeps happening, or if asking has become so hard that you have stopped doing it, that is worth noticing. Our guide to how to deal with loneliness covers what to do when connection is hard to build.
What if the help you need is for your mental health?
A doctor or therapist is the right person to ask, and friends and family can add support alongside them. The research above is about everyday requests such as questionnaires, phones and lifts, so it does not show how people will respond to a disclosure about your mental health.
It can still be a reason to try. If the thought of telling a friend is the barrier, consider that the person you tell may feel a pull to help rather than a pull away. If you want to start with a professional, saying “I would like to talk about how I have been feeling” is enough to open the conversation.
When to seek help
Speak to a doctor if low mood, anxiety or loneliness has lasted most days for two weeks or more, or if it is affecting your work, sleep or relationships. Our loneliness self-assessment is a screener and not a diagnosis, and it can help you decide whether to have that conversation.
If you feel unable to keep yourself safe, contact your local emergency services or a crisis helpline.
How MyFreud can help
Whether reaching out is changing how you feel is easy to lose from memory. Daily mood tracking in MyFreud shows the pattern across weeks, so you can compare the days after you asked for something with the days you did not. It does not replace talking to the people in your life, or to a doctor.
Download MyFreud and start today: App Store or Google Play.