Active listening means showing you have understood by putting what the other person said into your own words, and the research suggests it helps people feel understood in a conversation. It has a surprising limit in couples: one six-year study of newlyweds found that active listening was rare during conflict and did not predict who stayed together. [weger-2014-active-listening] [gottman-1998-newlyweds] This guide covers what active listening is, what each study found, how to practise it, and when it backfires.
What is active listening?
Active listening is a way of listening in which you show you have understood by putting what the other person said into your own words. It is usually paired with open questions and a check that you got their meaning right.
The appeal is that it gives you something to do. As one of the researchers behind the experiment below put it, it gives you a formula: you put the speaker’s message into your own words to show you understand. [weger-2014-active-listening] That is different from staying silent, and different from offering advice, which is the usual instinct when someone you love is upset. Our guide to toxic positivity covers why a quick reframe or fix can land as dismissal.
Does active listening work?
It works for helping someone feel understood in a short conversation. In an experiment, trained student confederates held conversations of about five minutes with 115 undergraduates, responding in one of three ways: active listening, simple acknowledgement or advice. Afterwards the participants reported how understood they felt, how satisfied they were with the conversation and how socially attractive the listener seemed. [weger-2014-active-listening]
| Way of responding | Felt understood and satisfied with the conversation | Rated the listener as socially attractive |
|---|---|---|
| Active listening | More than the other two | More than simple acknowledgement |
| Simple acknowledgement | Less than active listening | Less than the other two |
| Advice | Less than active listening | More than simple acknowledgement |
Those are the relative findings the authors reported. [weger-2014-active-listening] They come with limits. The speakers were students talking to strangers for about five minutes, so the study shows how a first conversation felt and not how a long relationship works.
Why did active listening not predict who stayed together?
Mostly because couples hardly ever did it. The newlywed study followed 130 couples for six years and found that active listening occurred very infrequently during conflict, and its use did not predict marital success. [gottman-1998-newlyweds]
That does not show that listening does not matter. A technique that almost nobody uses in the heat of an argument has little room to predict anything, which is a reason to read the result as being about the limits of a technique and not about the value of understanding. The same study found that a husband’s willingness to accept influence from his wife predicted marital stability. [gottman-1998-newlyweds] The sample was newlywed couples, so it speaks to that group and not to every relationship.
What matters alongside the technique?
How open you are to your partner appears to matter alongside how well you can repeat what they said. The finding about accepting influence points at taking your partner’s view seriously and not only reflecting it back. [gottman-1998-newlyweds]
In practice that means letting what you hear change something: a plan, a decision, your own view. Listening that never leads anywhere can feel to the speaker like a performance of care. Our overview of relationships covers the wider picture of what keeps a bond steady.
How do you practise active listening?
Let them finish, say back what you heard in your own words, ask one open question, and check that you understood before you offer ideas. If you are unsure whether they want ideas, ask: “Do you want ideas, or do you want me to listen?”
The test of whether it worked is the speaker’s reaction. If they say “yes, exactly”, you understood. If they correct you, that is useful too, because you have learned what you missed.
A two-minute listen
Ask a partner or friend to talk for two minutes about something mildly stressful. Only listen. When the timer ends, say back what you heard, starting with 'What I heard is', then ask 'Did I get that right?'
2:00
Do not fix, reassure or add your own story during the two minutes. If they correct your summary, thank them and try again. Swap roles afterwards if you both want to.
Done. Ask each other how it felt to be heard.
When does active listening backfire?
It backfires when it becomes a script, when it is used to win an argument, or when the other person is asking for something else. Repeating someone’s words mechanically can feel like being handled, and “what I hear you saying is” in the middle of a row can land as sarcasm.
It also does not suit every moment. If a person needs a decision or practical advice, a stream of reflecting can feel like stalling. That is why asking what they want from you comes first, and why the technique is a servant of the understanding and not a replacement for it.
When to seek help
Speak to a couples or relationship therapist if you keep having the same painful argument without getting anywhere, or if listening to each other has stopped feeling possible. A therapist can work on the pattern itself, which a technique cannot. No screener on this site measures relationship communication, and we would rather say so than point you at one that measures something else. The self-assessment hub lists the seven we do have.
If listening is being demanded of you in a relationship where you feel afraid or controlled, that is a different problem. Our guide to toxic relationships covers it, and if you feel unable to keep yourself safe, contact your local emergency services or a crisis helpline.
How MyFreud can help
Whether conversations with someone close are changing is easy to lose from memory. Daily mood tracking in MyFreud shows the pattern across weeks, so you can see which days after a hard conversation felt different. It does not replace a conversation with the person you are listening to, or a therapist.
Download MyFreud and start today: App Store or Google Play.